Bittersweet
by KrissaBelle7
Summary: Rick and Kate break the news to Alexis that they're a couple, but she doesn't take it well. At all. Kate has to try to fight for and justify their relationship to Alexis. I just wanted to toy with the concept of Alexis being against Caskett's relationship. :) R&R!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So I'm trying something new this time :) Just a warning, this story is going to be different from my other fic... this one's going to be rather angsty and less fluffy. It'll probably be broken into two-three parts.. enjoy!

Disclaimer: Castle belongs to ABC

* * *

Alexis couldn't believe it. She just couldn't believe that this was happening. She had just completed dinner with her dad and they were talking about mundane things, when all of a sudden Detective Beckett was at the front door.

Now, this was actually a pretty common occurrence, so Alexis had thought at first that it was something case related and that her dad would have to leave. But instead, her dad had ushered them all to sit in the living room.

Then, he and Kate broke the news to Alexis that they were together, like in a relationship. _This_ she couldn't believe.

"Seriously, dad?! Don't you ever learn? Haven't you risked your life enough for her? Sorry to burst your bubble, but you're not a real cop, dad. What has she ever done for you? You're in danger all the time for her and because of her! Don't you think you spend quite enough time with Detective Beckett? Don't think I don't notice how Black Pawn has to constantly hound you to do events or promotions! Hell, dad, you hardly even find the time to write! You've been investing so much in this _thing _over the years and yet I don't see _anything_ from her! No, I just can't accept or support this relationship!" Alexis ranted.

This was most definitely not the reaction they were anticipating. "Alexis, no matter how many times you may have acted like the parent, I am still your father and I do not need to explain myself to you. Nor will I have you speaking to Kate that way. I was hoping you'd be more supportive of our relationship, but like it or not, I'm together with Kate, and you _will_ show her some respect!"

Castle didn't normally need to raise his voice with Alexis, but his stern tone did cut through her tirade at last.

Alexis fumed. "Five minutes into your relationship and you're already picking her side?!" Alexis yelled at her dad, continuing snidely to Kate, "Well congratulations, detective, you can have him. Just make sure you clean up the mess after you break his heart again."

"That's enough, Alexis!" Castle intervened. Who was this spiteful and venomous creature before him and where was his daughter?

Kate was hurt by Alexis' words, but she had a good poker face. Rick however, was quickly losing his cool. Looking at the teenager with her defiant scowl and petulantly crossing her arms, Kate realized that she had to step in and intervene otherwise things would get ugly really quickly.

Turning to Castle, she told him calmly, "Rick, can I have a moment with Alexis? It seems that we have some things to work out and I don't want to be the cause of a rift between the two of you."

Alexis still hadn't said a word since her father's second warning, but she scoffed loudly and rudely at what Kate said, muttering under her breath, "Like you haven't done that already."

Before Castle could open his mouth to give his daughter a dressing down, Kate placed a hand on his arm and gave him a pleading look. "I've got this, Rick. Please? Could you make us some drinks in the mean time? I'd love to have a cup of coffee," she placated.

He contemplated for a moment, but seemed to think better of getting into a fight with his daughter. Standing up, he dropped a kiss onto Kate's head and headed to the kitchen.

Kate turned to Alexis. She wished there was a manual to tell her what to do and what to say. Taking a deep breath, she plowed straight in.

"Your dad and I weren't expecting this, as you can probably tell already. I really want to be with your father, Alexis, so we really have figure something out to make this work. Talk to me, please," Kate pleaded, "tell me how I can make this better."

"You don't deserve him," Alexis stated bluntly, crossing her arms over her chest, her stance defensive. She didn't mince her words; she'd cut straight to the point. This was her father they were talking about and she wasn't about to waste time beating around the proverbial bush.

Kate needed something she could work with, something she could work on improving. She'd anticipated somewhere in the back of her mind that Alexis would've probably thought that no one was good enough for her dad. After all, don't all children idolize their parents and put them on a pedestal?

"Alexis, I know you probably think that no one's good enough for your dad–" Kate started, but she was quickly interrupted by the teen.

"Yes I do, but that's never made me stop him from dating before, but _you_ don't deserve him. With all due respect, detective," Alexis spat out bitterly, "I don't know how you can even contemplate getting together with my dad after all you've made him go through."

Ouch. That had hurt. Kate knew that Alexis was only stating what she'd secretly thought, but to hear someone else call her out on her fears was painful. She didn't realize the impact her actions would have had on his daughter – she hadn't realized the repercussions would be so severe.

"Your dad and I have spoken about the past. We're trying to mend old wounds and move on. I know that I have my work cut out to try and make things up to him, but we're not just going to sweep everything under the rug," Kate explained.

"Oh really?! Because the way I see it, my dad has been infatuated with you for so long that he'd jump at the opportunity to sweep everything under the rug and give you a clean slate just so he could be with you. He'd forgive you in a second and you know it. And you _know _that you don't deserve getting off the hook so easily.

"You weren't there, Kate. When he hit the bottom you weren't there. You never were. _I _had to pick up the broken shards and piece him back together again. Why should you deserve him at his best when you weren't there at his worst? Why should you deserve him, when _you_ were the reason for him hitting the bottom in the first place?!" Alexis defended vehemently.

"Alexis, I'm so sorry – I didn't know you had to do that. I know how painful it is to see your dad hitting the bottom and having to help piece him back together. But I honestly didn't know you would've felt so strongly about this. Your dad and I, we would have _never_ presumed that you would've just gone along and taken the news positively had we known," Kate told her sincerely.

"You didn't know that I would've felt so _strongly_ about this?! What deluded alternative reality are you living?! How could you do so much to my dad and expect me to still be on your side?!" Alexis protested lividly. She was getting more and more worked up.

"I _know_ my dad's kept things from me; played things down so that I wouldn't worry, but what I _do _know is incriminating enough for me to never let you be with my dad!"

"What _do_ you know, Alexis?" Kate sighed tiredly, "Have you ever considered that there might have been two sides to the story? Can you please tell me what's got you so against me so that I can try to justify my actions?"

"Where do I begin?" Alexis huffed dejectedly. She ran a hand through her hair, loosening it as she collected her thoughts. Glancing at the detective who was leaning forward, hands resting on her knees, Alexis saw how miserable she looked. Fine, she'd give this a shot.

She tucked her hair behind her ear as she looked at the ground. "Captain Montgomery's funeral," she stated decisively, looking up at Kate and letting her hand fall back down, "I'd thought I saw my father die along with you that day, but the next month was when he really hit rock bottom."

Kate winced. She really had no good reason to justify her behavior those months. Seeing that Kate was still silent, Alexis knew that she'd got her. She needed to drive her point home, and what better time did she have than the present, when Kate _knew_ she was in the wrong and couldn't justify herself?

"Kate, I know you're probably sorry over your actions," Alexis said understandingly in a soft tone, she was still human after all, with enough sympathy to not kick someone who's already on the ground, "but you have no idea how bad things got."

Finally Kate got a break. There might still be enough compassion in Alexis to give Kate a chance to right her wrongs. "You have no idea how much I regret my actions throughout that whole debacle, and your dad just clams up each time I try to bring it up. I'm with you on this; I honestly _have_ no idea how bad things got. Will you tell me? So that I can try to make it up to you and your dad?"

During the course of the conversation some of her hair had gotten loose and Alexis tucked her hair behind her ear once again. It was a nervous tick of hers that she couldn't seem to get rid of. She continued, "I don't know how much you remember from that day, but my dad _tackled_ you. He would've taken that bullet for you. Do you understand? I _need_ you to understand, Kate" she pleaded, "I need you to know that my dad would have laid his life down – he would have _died_ to save you."

"Here I am, terrified that he could have gotten shot instead that day, not to mention the danger he faces everyday he tagged along with you guys, but–" Alexis let out a hysterical bark of laughter, looking at Kate as she continued, "I worry _so_ much over how he _could have_ gotten shot, but what's the point? Here he is, trying to save you instead. He _would have_ chosen to block that bullet if he could."

"He's my dad, Kate. He's all I've got," Alexis explained softly as some tears sprung from her eyes. "He's not a cop, Kate, he's not trained to do this. We're not prepared to face something like this. Grams and I, we're not prepared to cope with the fact that my dad is in danger so often."

Kate bit her lip and remained silent as the teen hurriedly wiped away her tears. Looking up to the ceiling in an effort to keep the tears at bay, Alexis cleared her throat before beginning.

"But that's not all. We got to the hospital, grams and I, and we met with the others. My dad still had your blood on his hands – he hadn't even washed them off. Then your doctor boyfriend came along and blamed my dad for making you check into your mom's case."

Alexis scoffed, as she recalled the events that day in the hospital. "He pushed, he _literally_ pushed my dad into a wall at the hospital as he accused my dad for getting you hurt. I was so mad at him," Alexis told Kate, shaking her head slightly, "I was so mad, I think my dad had to physically restrain and pull me back."

A small smile erupted on both their faces. Alexis loved her dad so much that she would go to any lengths for her father. Their shared moment of smiling at that thought was cut short when Alexis' smile dimmed a little as she continued with her narration of that day.

"Grams spoke to my dad after that. I don't know what they spoke of, but my dad felt that he was to blame. I could see it in his eyes. He was so guilt-ridden."

"Alexis," Kate interjected, "you know that I'd _never_ blame your dad for the events that day, right?"

Alexis gave a small shrug. "It's in the past now, but I'm sure it would've helped my dad to have known that at the time. You see, no matter how many times we talked to him, he still blamed himself for you getting hurt that day.

"I thought that you felt he was to blame as well, you know," Alexis confessed. "He visited you only once, and then he never went to see you again. The logical conclusion that I came to was that you blamed him and told him to stay away."

"I didn't," Kate said softly, "I was dealing with some things, and I told your dad that I needed space; that I'd call him – only I didn't." Kate at least looked embarrassed at this.

"He was at the precinct every day, with Detectives Ryan and Esposito, working on the sniper and your mom's case. I wouldn't see him for days, and when I did, he looked dead tired. He only came back to shower and sleep, then he was out the door again, back to the precinct.

"After about a month or two of this, Captain Gates booted him out of the precinct. I don't know what was worse. Seeing my dad work himself into exhaustion, or seeing him moping at home, not being able to do more.

"It took a few more weeks before he finally got himself together and began to be presentable again. I think the people at Black Pawn really came down on him as well, to do promotion and things like that, and he finally snapped out of it.

"_That_ was his rock bottom, Kate. It terrified me, seeing my dad like that. I don't have anything against you as a person, Kate, I think you're a great cop, and a wonderful partner, I couldn't ask for someone better to keep him safe when he's with you guys, I'd trust you with his life – but I just don't trust you with his heart.

"My dad may act like a kid most of the time, but when he loves, he gives all of himself – he doesn't hold back at all. If you could have hurt him so much when you weren't even together, how can you ask me to trust you with his heart now? What if he never recovers, Kate?

"I'm sorry, but I can't in good conscience support this relationship," Alexis apologized, finally done with stating her piece.

"I made poor decisions at the time," Kate acknowledged, looking honestly at the teen as she tried to convey her sincerity, "I would do _anything_ if I can just take away all the hurt and pain your dad went through. Your dad confessed that he loved me, just after I got shot."

Kate had to clear her throat before she could continue with her next sentence. "That was the last thing I remember, before I blacked out. You dad said he loved me and that was what kept me fighting. Even through the months of rehab after my surgery, those words were my lifeline. On days that I just felt like giving up, his words gave me the hope, they gave me the strength to hang on and push through just one day more.

"I owe your dad my life in so many ways, and I don't think I'd ever be able to make up for it. But I was scared as well. What if he only said he loved me because he thought I was dying? I've read the signs wrongly before, and I just didn't want to get hurt again. I was scared, so I hid away from your dad. I'm not proud of it, but I didn't see any other choice at the time."

At this point Castle cleared his throat and approached the two ladies. He passed Kate her coffee, which she took with a grateful smile. "I see that you haven't killed each other yet. I'll take that as a good sign?" he asked tentatively. Wane smiles greeted him, so he continued, "Do you want something to drink, pumpkin? I can go make it while you girls continue with your talk."

Alexis had originally dreaded having a one on one talk with Beckett, but now that they've started, she found herself agreeing with Kate that it was indeed a better idea for the both of them to talk in private rather than having the three of them arguing all together. She sheepishly asked her dad, "Actually can I have a cup of hot chocolate? With–"

"With exactly six marshmallows," Rick finished her sentence. Father and daughter shared a smile before he headed to the kitchen, giving them privacy once more.

Kate took a sip of coffee, composing herself before she continued. This next part always got her emotional and it was never easy to bring up. "Your dad's words kept replaying in my head, and I couldn't let them go. I broke up with Josh, the doctor, a few days later. Actually that wasn't the first time I've broken up with someone over your dad."

Here comes the hard part. Kate picked up a throw pillow and hugged it tightly. It acted as a metaphorical shield to protect herself against the onslaught of the following memories.

"I mentioned that I've read the signs wrongly before, and that was part of why I was so terrified to bring up what your dad had said for the longest time. There was this other guy that I dated, about two years ago, he was a cop in Burglary, Tom Demming,"

"So _that's _where Schlemming came from," Alexis mused aloud. Shooting her a quizzical look, Kate asked, "Schlemming?"

"He's this guy that Nikki Heat dated for a while in one of the drafts my dad asked me to read. He seemed to have popped out of nowhere and I always found it weird. He didn't make it into the books so I didn't bring it up again," Alexis explained, shrugging.

"Oh, I never knew that. Anyway, I really liked Tom, he was a really great guy, but I broke up with him for your dad."

Kate took a deep breath and closed her eyes before whispering the next part.

"Only to have him leaving for the Hamptons with Gina that same night."

Clutching the pillow tightly while looking on the ground, Kate began her narration softly.

* * *

A/N: So? What did you guys think? Please leave a review :)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: You guys were amazing with all your reviews/favourites/alerts. So I know this is supposed to be Kate's narration, but I just found that I couldn't do the first person POV style of writing – they just ended up weird. So, I'm gonna narrate this in third person POV ;)

Another thing is I've kinda made this into a songfic, and the songs that I've basically listened to on repeat were Into the Blue by Sara Jackson-Holman and Someone Like You by Adele. I know that Into the Blue was used in the Season Two finale episode, but the lyrics of both these songs were just perfect and I _Had_ to use them.

Anyway, for some reason I personally find the season two finale one of the most powerful episodes of Castle, and I just couldn't let it go until I wrote about it ;) Hence my brainchild of combining a songfic, the season two finale, and the concept of Alexis being against Caskett's relationship (just 'cos I wanted to try out that idea.)

Sorry for the uber long author's note. On to the story!

Warning for this chapter: T rating for F-bombs and language, and some darker themes.

Disclaimer: Castle belongs to ABC; the songs belong to their respective artists; I don't own anything besides my ideas and ramblings.

* * *

Kate couldn't believe it. She just couldn't believe that this was happening. Here she was, fresh off a break up with this amazing guy that she really liked, all because she decided to take a chance, considering the day she'd gone through, topped with what Captain Montgomery had said about people being too scared to tell what they really felt.

Against her better judgment, she had broken up with Tom in hopes of taking Castle up on his invitation to go to the Hamptons. True, she'd always kept him at arms length, but she was ready to give him a shot now. Here she was, heart on her sleeves, finally taking a chance for the first time in god knows how many years, and Gina just sweeps in a few seconds too early and whisks Castle away.

She hated the whiny and pathetic uncertainty that laced her voice when she asked if she would see him in the fall.

Castle and Gina left through the elevators, her captain and the others were just a door away from her, and there she was, stuck in limbo.

Kate's cheeks burned for a long time. She didn't need to glance into the room to know that they had all seen her crash and burn. She had never been so embarrassed in her life.

God, she was such a fool. _Haven't you hurt your heart enough?! You should know better by now!_ Kate berated herself as she stayed rooted to the spot.

What was she going to do? She wished the floor would just open up and swallow her whole. She couldn't face the captain and the boys now.

Before she could come to a decision, the door opened and Lanie slipped out, reaching a hand out to rest reassuringly on Kate. "Kate," she began sympathetically.

Kate shook her head slowly. No, she couldn't do this; she couldn't stay here. The walls were closing in on her; the air was too heavy – she had to get out.

"I- I," Kate stammered, finally looking up at Lanie, only to be met with her pitying gaze. Kate swiveled her head to the doorway to see the three males crowding there, looking at her hesitatingly. They've managed to school their faces better than Lanie, but Kate could tell that they, too, didn't know what to say or what to do.

"I'm just gonna head home now, I- I don't think I feel so good," Kate mumbled her excuse.

"Kate," Captain Montgomery called out just as she was about to turn and leave, "take the week off. If you don't feel good, you should stay in and rest. Don't… go infecting the others here."

She knew he was giving her an out without completely destroying her pride. Only the five of them were privy to Kate's embarrassing encounter. The other officers would buy the story of Kate's week-long absence due to some sickness. Her reputation would remain intact.

"Yes, I- I'll do that. Night," Kate stammered out, turning to head to her desk.

* * *

What- what did she need? Her thoughts were a jumbled mess. Kate's hands shook as she collected her things, dumping what she could see into her bag. Badge. Gun. Phone.

What else did she need?

Keys.

Okay, she was good to go. No, wait, she still needed her jacket. Where was her jacket?

Kate looked to her chair. Nope, it wasn't there. Where the hell was her jacket? Where else could she have put–

Kate spun around only to see Lanie coming out of the break room with her jacket in one hand. The boys were still inside there, probably clearing up. Shit, she probably should have stayed and helped them clean up.

But she had to get out of there.

"Do- do you guys need me to help clean up or something?" Kate asked Lanie out of politeness, reaching for her jacket.

"We got it here. Do you want me to come with you?" Lanie suggested hesitantly, watching Kate shrug on her jacket, all frazzled out.

"No, no, you stay with the boys. I'll just- I need to get out of here," Kate mumbled, making for the escalators.

Lanie shot out a hand to grab Kate's wrist before she could get away. "Call me, Kate. For anything at all, anytime, okay?"

Kate gave a curt nod before tearing her arm away and walking briskly to the elevators. She pressed the button repeatedly, impatient at the torturous ascend of the elevator which was taking it's own sweet time in reaching the homicide floor. When the doors opened, Kate briskly entered and rode it down.

Kate tore through the lobby the moment the elevator doors opened on the ground floor. She couldn't breathe; she had to get out. Kate burst through the front doors and the cool night air assaulted her airways.

The sharp cool contrast with the stuffy indoor air cut through the haze her mind was stuck in. Gasping, Kate finally felt like she could breathe. She stumbled to her car, leaning against the side, still breathing heavily. Was this what a panic attack felt like?

She dug out her keys and tried to unlock her car but her hand was shaking too badly. Giving up, Kate slumped down and sat on the asphalt road. She could feel the tears prickling at her eyes.

Why were there tears? Why would she cry at this time? What compelled her body to produce those tears? She couldn't be crying over Castle – that didn't make sense. Nothing made any sense at all.

Closing her eyes, Kate shook her head trying to clear her mind. _Get a grip Kate, you can't break down now. Not here, in the middle of the night,_ she reprimanded herself.

_Okay, what do I need to do? Get up, get in the car. I'm a sitting duck waiting to be mugged right now. No, you can't let that happen, Kate. Get a grip Kate. Okay, we've got this. Stand up, and then get in the car. Get home, and you can do whatever you want. Just focus for now. Come on, Kate, you can do this. _

And so, Kate talked herself through the things she needed to do, one baby step at a time. She managed to stand up and then got her hand to stop shaking enough to unlock her car.

Next, she drove home. She just had to focus on the road, and nothing else. She couldn't afford to be distracted.

**I heard that you're settled down  
****That you found a girl and you're married now  
****I heard that your dreams came true  
****Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you****  
**

No, she couldn't afford to think about Castle and Gina right now. _Focus on the road, Kate. Let's just get home._

It felt like a million years before she finally pulled into her place and finally, _finally_ she was in her home; her haven.

**You know how the time flies  
****Only yesterday was the time of our lives  
****We were born and raised  
****In a summer haze  
****Bound by the surprise of our glory days****  
**

**Nothing compares  
****No worries or cares  
****Regrets and mistakes  
****They are memories made  
****Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?****  
**

A choked sob broke free unbidden from Kate's lips. She stumbled to her bedroom and tossed her bag onto the floor. Kate kicked off her shoes haphazardly.

_Fuck this shit,_ Kate thought as she walked barefooted to the kitchen cabinet. Rummaging around for a while, Kate finally procured what she had been digging for. Kate triumphantly held the bottle of _Absolut Vodka_ in one hand while the other continued it's rummage for a shot glass or anything, really.

All she had were mugs and wine glasses up in front. Why did she keep them so far in the back? Reaching her hand in, she accidentally knocked the front few glasses out. They crashed loudly on the floor and smashed into a million pieces. Funny, it was an apt depiction of how her heart currently seemed.

_Let them lie there,_ Kate thought bitterly, just like her heart, there was no point in trying to clean up or mend it.

Walking back to her bedroom, Kate opened the bottle of _Absolut Vodka_ and took a healthy swig straight from the bottle. It burned all the way down to her center. That's better.

Kate made it through half the bottle before finally passing out in a drunken coma. The voices in her head were silent at last.

* * *

Dr. Lanie Parish slipped into Kate's home the next day during lunch hour. She had called Kate multiple times, just to check in on her, but there was no answer. By midday, the M.E. was beginning to get worried. She knew Kate needed some time alone the previous night to lick her wounds, but now she didn't even know if her best friend was still alive or not.

So, she took the rest of the day off and used the spare key Kate had once given to let herself in. "Kate?" she called out.

Silence was the only resounding answer she got from the apartment.

Not seeing Kate in the living room, she headed toward the bedroom. There was her best friend, lying in yesterday's clothes, with whatever remnants of her make up still on her face. Dried tear tracks ran down her face, and there in her hand was a bottle of _Absolut Vodka_.

This might be more serious than Lanie had anticipated. After her dad's struggle with alcohol following her mother's death, Lanie knew that Kate hated turning to alcohol to drown any problems at all. Walking over, she removed the bottle from Kate's grasp and capped it. Oh well, at least she was drinking the good stuff.

Lanie then headed to the kitchen to fill a glass of water and to scour for some Tylenol. Kate would most definitely need it. She made a large perimeter, managing around the shattered glass on the floor. She'd clean that up after seeing to Kate.

Returning to Kate's bedside with a glass of water and some tablets, Lanie gently shook her friend awake. "Hey, Kate, how're you doing? Your mouth's gotta be drier than the Sahara desert right now, and your head should probably be killing you. Come on, I've got you some water and Tylenol," she coaxed.

Fuck her head hurt. "Fuck, Lanes, what are you doing here?" Kate rasped. Nonetheless, she took a sip of the proffered water before swallowing the pills and gulping down the rest of the water. Falling back, her head hit the pillows once more and she moaned.

"Did I drink? Tell me everything's been a hallucination from all the alcohol I ingested," Kate groaned, looking bleakly at her friend. Reaching out a hand to push back her hair, Lanie apologized, "Sorry honey, I'm afraid yesterday really did happen."

"This is bullshit," Kate dragged out, rolling to lie face down on her bed.

"Come on, Kate. Off to the showers," Lanie coaxed, trying to tug her friend up. Kate allowed Lanie to guide her to the bathroom. "I'm gonna go clear some of the broken glass in your kitchen, okay? Just call out if you need anything," Lanie told her.

After getting a small nod from Kate, Lanie shut the door behind her and went to the kitchen.

Kate glanced at her reflection in the mirror. Bad choice. She quickly turned away before her eyes could fully take into account the degree of her disheveled state.

As Kate turned on the shower, her mind flew back to the previous evening and all their missed chances.

**If only if only I coulda been yours  
Been your rapport and yours to adore  
If only if only I would've said yes  
Forgotten the rest oh I could've said yes  
****If only if only you'd ask me again  
****I'd give you my hand  
****Let you take me across the sand**

Fully clothed, Kate sank to the floor of her shower as her tears mingled with the water, circling the drain before getting lost within New York's sewer system, merely adding to the reservoir of tears from broken hearted girls living in the city that never sleeps.

**If only if only I had the luxury of retrospect  
Sounds like you're speaking some sort of foreign dialect  
If only something precious as time had a price  
Instead of endlessly taking its toll on my soul  
Oh so many if onlys running through my mind  
What ifs and storybook endings time after time  
If only if only you coulda been mine  
I'd take you**

Kate sat there on the floor, leaning against one wall as the water pounded down on her over and over again. She sat there thinking of all the _if onlys_ long after the water turned cold.

Lanie finally poked her head into the bathroom when Kate hadn't emerged even after she had cleared all the mess. She turned off the water and led a bone-chilled Kate into the bedroom to change into dry clothes.

Pressing a cup of hot tea into Kate's palms, Lanie made her finish the tea before tucking the blankets around Kate. She settled in next to Kate, hugging and soothing her as a mother would, brushing Kate's hair away from her face and dropping kisses onto the top of her head as Kate mumbled incoherently, clinging onto her best friend.

"What was I thinking? Breaking up with Tom, thinking I had a chance with Castle? What if I'd given him a chance sooner? What if Gina came a few seconds later? What was Gina doing there anyway? She came out of nowhere, when had they reconnected? What if I had said yes to Castle's invitation straight away? What if, what if…"

She mumbled all her jumbled and disjointed thoughts, too tired and wrung out to filter her words, until she finally fell asleep in Lanie's arms.

**Into the blue  
****And faded world of my daydreams  
****I feel I'm falling deeper everyday  
****Melting away down a dark and endless abyss  
****I'm grasping at straws and I'm chasing the wind  
****As I fall on my face over and over again****  
**

Lanie stayed over with Kate that night, making her eat and drink, persuading her to rest when she was exhausted.

She had to return to the medical examiner's office the next morning though, since there were too much to be done and they couldn't afford to let her take that day off. She left Kate with plenty food and the promise to return that night.

Ryan and Esposito were naturally worried for Beckett, especially having just found out through the grapevine that she was no longer with Tom Demming. Lanie admitted to them that things weren't looking good with Kate, but that they shouldn't go see her now.

The boys meant well, but Kate was proud, and she couldn't bear to let them see her in that state. Lanie knew that she still needed time to herself before she could face outside company again.

The boys grudgingly agreed to leave Kate alone for a few days more, and sent their regards with Lanie. When she got off work in the evening, Lanie went straight to Kate's place, only to find her in the same drunken state as the day before.

Lanie pulled all the contacts she had from medical school and got people to cover for her for the next few days. She just couldn't leave Kate alone at this point in her life.

With Lanie babysitting Kate and keeping the alcohol at bay, she no longer found herself drunk out of her mind. Kate was, however, still heartbroken and hurt. And without the alcohol to numb the pain, she just gave up on everything, basically turning into a human vegetable.

She did whatever Lanie told her to do and answered her questions with monosyllabic answers, but she hardly spoke the rest of the time. The only thing she would do was cry from time to time and then sleep, waking up with puffy eyes.

When Kate was still in the same state nearing the end of the week, Lanie was at her wits end. She no longer knew how to help her friend, nor did she know how to make Kate snap out of this zombie stupor.

In her desperation, she had called Ryan and Esposito over to talk to Kate. Kate was furious that Lanie had presumed to invite people over to her place. However, Lanie would have gladly taken Kate's anger a million times over. She was finally showing that she could still feel _something_.

The three of them staged an intervention, and somehow they managed to get through to Kate. This was it. She was done moping. Time to put away her feelings into a box and send that sealed box to the recess of her mind.

It was time for her to put on her big girl pants, don her armor once more, and get back to work. She had learned her lesson, and she wouldn't make the same mistakes ever again.

**Never mind, I'll find someone like you  
****I wish nothing but the best for you too  
****Don't forget me, I beg  
****I remember you said,  
****"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,  
****Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"****  
**

Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me. Detective Kate Beckett had her walls back up, stronger than ever, and she was ready to throw herself back into work.

A/N: I do not condone Kate's behavior (drinking into a stupor, etc.) at all, but in my opinion, Kate's someone really guarded and private, and for her to take that chance and break up with Tom to be with Castle only to have Gina come in and sweep him off has GOT to hurt. Which is why I can understand her going off the rails in her situation. We're all human and entitled to make some stupid choices. *Shrug* We'll deal with present-Kate in the next chapter and I'm pretty much done unless u guys wanna see something more..? Review!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Castle doesn't belong to me, neither does the song Someone Like You.

* * *

Castle couldn't believe it. He just couldn't believe that this was happening. Here he was, lingering in the doorway with a cup of hot chocolate while his girlfriend had basically just dropped a bomb and shared it with his daughter. A bomb that he didn't even knew had existed. But before he could say or do anything, Kate was continuing again.

"No one except Lanie knew the extent of how ugly things were with me at that time. Even the boys only got a sugarcoated and simplified version of things. I got hurt so badly that I was terrified of getting hurt again this time round. That was why I always held your dad at arm's length," Kate explained, wiping away the tears that were a result of the uncontrollable waterworks throughout her narration.

"I… didn't know about that," Alexis wedges guiltily. She hadn't meant to make Kate cry all over again. "I guess when you put it that way, it makes it harder for me to find fault with you," she grudgingly accepts, but warned nonetheless, "but if you hurt my dad, I _will_ have to find you and hurt you. I have no idea how I'm going to do that, but god help me, I love my dad, and I can't stand to see him hurt again."

"Alexis, I didn't even _think_ that I could have survived what happened two years ago. My feelings for your dad has only continued growing these past two years, and if I lose your dad now, I _know_ that I would never survive it."

Finding the truth of Kate's words reflected in her eyes, Alexis cleared her throat uncomfortably and gave a small nod.

"I guess we can agree that the both of us just want to keep him safe," Alexis conceded, and Kate nodded silently in agreement. "Thank you," the teen continued, "for sharing that with me. I know that you're a very private person, and it must have been hard for you to share that particular memory."

"It was, but I wanted to share it with you. Alexis, I am owning up to the mistakes I've made over the years, but I need you to know that I've never intentionally played with your dad's feelings. It's just that I was badly hurt in that encounter and so I've been wary again these past two years," Kate explained.

Castle took that pause in their conversation as his cue to make himself known. Clearing his throat, he walked over and handed Alexis her hot chocolate uncomfortably.

"How long had you been there?" Kate asked worriedly. She couldn't believe that he had gone completely unnoticed this whole time. She was normally more tuned in to his presence, like she had a special radar for him.

"Long enough," he replied, continuing tiredly, "Kate, why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I was ashamed, for being so weak, and for reading the signs wrongly – I was already so embarrassed with the boys and Captain Montgomery, I couldn't bear it; I wouldn't be able to face you again if you'd have ever found out," she said softly.

"Dad," Alexis interrupted, "You guys probably want to talk. I should go to my room. And I'm sorry, for the way I acted earlier on."

Castle nodded his acknowledgement, and Alexis quickly made herself scarce. Castle began when they were alone at last, "So that night, in the precinct, when you called me out to talk–"

"Yeah," Kate interrupted, finishing his sentence for him, "I was about to tell you that I wanted to take you up on your offer to go to the Hamptons."

"No wonder you guys were so cold to me when we met in the autumn. I'm surprised the boys didn't give me a harder time," he mused, settling in to sit next to Kate.

"Heck, I'm surprised you even_ gave_ me a chance to come back and work with you guys. I'm so sorry, I didn't know how much I had hurt you back then. If I had known your intentions, I would have never left with Gina."

"I know, Castle. I should have clued you in as to how I really felt sooner - that was my mistake. I had to lose you before I could realize how much you meant to me."

"Thank goodness I won our little bet, I can't imagine how my life would be if I really had to walk away from you."

Thinking back to the bet she had _let_ him win, Kate couldn't help but break into a little smile. Castle still didn't know that she figured out the connections between the victims way before him, and she was content to keep him in the dark.

"What are you smiling about?" Castle asked, when he finally noticed that his girlfriend sported a faraway look with a small smile gracing her face.

Shaking her head, Kate told him, "It's nothing. I'm here now, and we're both here in the present, and that's what matters."

Kate leaned back against him, tucking into his side as they were both left to their pondering.

**I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited  
****But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.  
****I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded  
****That for me it isn't over.****  
**

* * *

A/N: Hehe, did anyone notice that I started all three chapters with the exact same two lines, only using different characters each time ;p And we're done, lovelies! Do leave a review :) Please. Pretty Please. or, you could also PM me with prompts.


End file.
